Title Game Ramblings

By Greg Wiley
The Phanatic Magazine

For this week's version of ramblings, I figured I give you guys my take of the NCAA championship game between Florida and Ohio State as it happens.

So, here we go...

9:10 p.m. - After suffering through a couple crappy promotional spots, we get to hear Billy Donovan's pre-game pep talk to his team. Needless to say, I'm disappointed to not hear him tell his troops he is leaving for Kentucky. Instead, he says something about a horse race and tell us this game is bigger than any individual.

9:13 p.m. - Does Clark Kellogg have to yell?

9:17 p.m. - I think to myself, Billy Packer is a horse's ass.

9:20ish p.m. - Jim Nantz gives us the starting lineups, going one team at a time. What happened to the alternating lineup announcements? I liked when the players met at midcourt to shake hands. I always wanted a fight to break out.

9:26 p.m. - The game is only 45 seconds in and I've heard Joakim Noah's name about five times.

9:27 p.m. - At the 18:40 mark, Packer says "ticky-tack foul." I laugh.

9:30 p.m. - I hear Packer pronounce Donovan's name Dunnovin. I wonder if that's because we "dunno" where he will coach next year.

9:32 p.m. - Commercial break so I give the broadcast about 20 percent of my attention while I check my fantasy baseball lineup.

9:33 p.m. - I realize my team stinks. First day of baseball and I'm already stressing out. It's going to be a long season.

9:36 p.m. - Watching Noah's free throw form, I remember why I dislike him. Nothing about his game looks good, yet everyone loves him.

9:39 p.m. - At the 12:55 mark, did I just see Lee Humphrey miss a three-pointer?

9:44 p.m. - Going to commercial break at the 10:51 mark, I realize this could be a good game if not for the constant blabber by Packer.

9:47 p.m. - Greg Oden just gives Corey Brewer a facial on a block.

9:49 p.m. - At the 9:19 mark, Oden gets his first foul and Nantz takes the opportunity to go into his first Masters promo. He whispers like he's on the18th green on Sunday.

9:52 p.m. - At the 7:59 mark, Packer loses his first bet. Thinking the ball went out of bounds on Noah, the officials give the ball to the Gators.

9:54 p.m. - It's a commercial...I'm thinking I'm glad I'm not Brett Myers' wife tonight. If today was any indicator, the Phillies are going to have a long season and so might Mrs. Myers.

10:00 p.m. - Taurean Green hits a 3-pointer to put the Gators up by 11, 33-22, and I fart so bad I need to leave my chair for a few minutes. I get a soda, come back and my seat still stinks.

10:10ish p.m. - Halftime arrives. I tune into ESPN, only to find figure skating. I quickly tune to ESPN2 for baseball and a chance to regain my manhood.

10:19 p.m. - I see a great catch by Gary Matthews Jr. to end the first inning for the Angels. Somebody should make him pee in a cup when he gets to the dugout.

10:22 p.m. - Still watching the Angels-Rangers game, Texas starter Kevin Millwood is four pitches into his start and is already sweating like a pig.

10:23 p.m. - Bored. I tune back to CBS just in time for the Dick Enberg's annual piece reflecting on the tournament. I start to dose off.

10:38 p.m. - With 15:50 left, Humphrey hits a 3-pointer to extend the lead back to11 points and I start to accept that the Buckeyes don't have the firepower to stay with the Gators.

10:57 p.m. - After Al Horford's dunk with 9:55 left puts the Gators up 58-46, I declare: "This game's over."

"Ah, the Wiley hex," someone in the room replies. "I needed that. I have $350 riding on OSU."

11:00 p.m. - Chris Richard's three-point play with 8:59 left ends an 8-1 run, putting the Gators ahead 61-47. "Sorry, dude. You're out that money."

11:13 p.m. - Oden hits two free throws to draw OSU back within six, 66-60. "The Wiley hex in full effect," I hear.

Next possession Green hits a 3-pointer for the Gators to start the game-clinching run. "Hex this!"

11:24 p.m. - I see a replay of Joakim's dad, tennis great Yannick, celebrating in slow motion. Boy, I hate the French -- and Florida.

11:30 p.m. - I puke at the final buzzer.

11:35 p.m. - I get my best laugh of the night when Noah goes on a crazy ghetto rant, saying he's going to party like never before only to have to be stopped midway through by a clearly embarrassed Donovan, who had to pat Noah on the chest to get him to shut up.

See you guys next week.

Let's hear your thoughts. Email Greg at gwiley@phanaticmag.com