Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Glauser By The Numbers

By Jeff Glauser
The Phanatic Magazine

Well, it seems as if my arrogant plea for feedback basically backfired on me…save for the Herpen lemmings.

However, since I so thoroughly enjoyed the alleged “research” I did on my previous list piece, I’m inspired to do yet another very similar exercise. Hell, I seem to be my own best audience at this point, so more “Lists a la JG,” I say.

(And less cowbell, please.)

For example, check out this following roster:

Centers: Nazr Mohammed, Dikembe Mutombo, Chris Webber

Forwards: Bruce Bowen, Jerry Stackhouse, Matt Harpring, Matt Barnes

Guards: Allen Iverson, Raja Bell, Eric Snow, Larry Hughes, Greg Buckner

The preceding was the All Former Sixer Playoff Roster, 2007 Version.

And before you glance up and blow it off, consider this: Every player on that list started for their respective teams at some point during this postseason except for the forgotten Mohammed (who was, in fact, a starter before Webber came along), Mutombo (who, even at 100 years old, started 33 games this year) and Stackhouse (eight starts this season and one of the best sixth-men in the league).

A starting lineup of Iverson, Hughes, Bowen, Harpring and a non-dogging Webber with Stackhouse, Barnes and Bell first off the bench doesn’t sound too shabby now, does it?

Speaking of Webber, here are his stats for Game 4 against the Cavs:

20 minutes, 2 points (1-3 FG, 0-2 FT), 3 rebounds, 1 assist, 2 steals, 0 blocks. Now that’s Charmin soft!

(Upon further review, perhaps expecting him not to dog it, even when the games matter now, might be asking for too much at this point.)

Switching sports…

Heading into last night’s game, the Phils were 13-2 when Greg (“The Natural”) Dobbs started. Dobbs, you may recall, was an anonymous afterthought heading into Spring Training, his name sandwiched somewhere between the dead guy and the dude who played his winter ball in the Mexican Penal League.

Dobbs is making $385,000 this season, basically the minimum. He’s also currently batting .300 and on pace to hit at least 20 homers if he keeps playing.

Meanwhile, the “planned” offseason acquisitions are have the following salaries:

  • Wes Helms: $2,300,000 (plus zero home runs and a lifetime supply of “Off the glove of Helms” calls by Harry Kalas)

  • Rod Barajas: $2,500,000 (and comes with his own “Ole” red cape to invite opposing runners to score on him at will)

  • Jayson Werth: $850,000 (and…um, has he even played? The dude’s been quieter than Pat Burrell’s bat with a two-strike count)

Further-meanwhile, Chris Coste is wondering what the hell he needs to do, aside from unmentionable lewd favors toward management, to finally stick around.

Further-meanwhile-footnote: More than $16 million – or a little less than a fifth of the total payroll – goes to funding the trainwreck better known as the Phillies bullpen. Three quarters of it is invested in the disabled list at this time.

Here’s another number for another sport: 76.

That’s the channel, on basic cable, on which I finally found Versus, just in time for the Stanley Cup.

Channel 76. The NHL. Once viewed by millions across North America. Now viewed by people you can name. How is Gary Bettman still employed?

The following list certainly can’t be the reason why:

- California, Ontario, North Carolina, Alberta, Florida.

Those are the locations of every Stanley Cup participant since 2004. Doesn’t look like hockey will be overtaking NASCAR, or boxing, or the World Series of Spelling, anytime soon.

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