(Turn Your) Back To The Future

By Jeff Glauser
The Phanatic Magazine

So a time machine, you say? From 1987?

Dr. Emmet Brown was a huge inspiration. Already had the DeLorean, so I figured, what the hell.

So how can I help you? What do you want to know?

Well, admittedly, I’m a huge sports fan. Especially my Philly teams. So first of all, I’m excited to hear about how many championships we’ve racked up over the past 20 years. Growing up around here has been a lot of fun so far: Four parades on Broad Street since ’74, plus nine other championship appearances. Certainly that was just the start of something real special, right?

Um… how about we tackle that topic later? What else is on your mind?

Uh, sure. How about we go sport by sport? Baseball was always my first love. I see it as such a pure, traditional game, more than any other. So many untouchable records, held in such high regard: Gehrig’s streak, Maris’ home runs…

Perhaps I should stop you there.

What’s that?

Both of those records are no longer. In fact, Maris’s mark has been broken several times over. Several times over? Are you kidding? It was years before someone else even hit 50! Who were these beasts?

Let’s see, there was Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds currently holds it at 73.

73?! That’s impossible! And by Barry Bonds? Isn’t that Bobby’s scrawny son? And Mark McGwire? That’s the beanpole who played 3rd base for the A’s, right? They sure must have been drinking their milk.

Ahem. Maybe we should move on.

If you say so. Tell me about the NHL. Are the Oilers still dominating the league? With that nucleus – Gretzky, Messier, Kurri, Fuhr – they must have been a dynasty for years.

Not necessarily – although they were runners-up last year.

Oh, yeah? Who took them out? Toronto? Montreal?

Carolina.

Carolina? There’s a hockey team in the south? Probably an isolated attempt to get American hicks to turn off NASCAR, right?

Not quite. In fact, NASCAR’s more popular than the NHL now. Plus, Tampa Bay has also skated away with the Cup. And you probably don’t want to know that Nashville is one of the favorites to win it all this year.

That is absurd. At least people can still tune in to watch a good fight.

Actually...

Let’s just continue. What about the NBA? All those great rivalries. And some of the best class acts in sport. Magic, Jordan, Bird… you could always count on basketball players to serve as role models.

Um… so when are you heading back?

Whoa. This is heavy. The world of sports sure has changed. Maybe I should just stick to investigating my other hobby: politics.

Maybe you shouldn’t.
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Hello, McFly! Feel free to tell Jeff to ‘make like a tree and get out’ at send2jg@hotmail.com. And he’ll feel free to ignore you.