Not another All-Star team...

By John McMullen

USA TODAY's Larry Weisman recently compiled his 15th annual All-Joe squad representing the NFL's "grunts" whose work doesn't necessarily show up on the stat sheet but is essential to the success of any team.

That got me thinking about celebrating the players the boys on Park Avenue love to ignore -- the players that keep The Smoking Gun in business -- the athletes that made ESPN’s Playmakers possible -- the “convicts” whose work doesn’t necessarily show up on the stat sheet but is essential to keeping any NFL public relations staff in business.

Here it is -- the first annual Phanatic All-Incarceration team with 2006 arrest records noted.

Offense:

QB - Reggie McNeal - Cincinnati Bengals - Resisting arrest and drug possession. (No actual QBs were arrested this season so McNeal -- who was a starting QB in college at Texas A&M gets the nod.)

RB - Maurice Jones Drew - Jacksonville Jaguars - Assault.

RB - Reuben Droughns - Cleveland Browns - Domestic assault.

RB - Tyler Ebell - Chicago Bears - Assault.

WR - Chris Henry - Cincinnati Bengals - Possession of a concealed firearm, improper exhibition of a firearm, aggravated assault with a firearm; DUI; providing alcohol to three underaged females (giggity).

WR - Santonio Holmes - Pittsburgh Steelers - Domestic violence and assault.

WR - Koren Robinson - Minnesota Vikings/Green Bay Packers - Drunken driving, fleeing police.

WR - Antonio Bryant - San Francisco 49ers - DWI, reckless driving, resisting arrest.

WR - Jabar Gaffney - Philadelphia Eagles/ New England Patriots - Unlawful possession of a handgun.

WR - Cory Rodgers - Green Bay Packers - Unlawfully carrying a weapon and discharging a firearm.

TE - John Gilmore - Chicago Bears - Trespassing, resisting arrest, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of less than 2.5 grams of marijuana.

OC- Eric Steinbach - Cincinnati Bengals - Boating under the influence.

OG - Fred Weary - Houston Texans - Resisting arrest.

OG- Barrett Brooks - Pittsburgh Steelers - Fleeing and eluding, reckless driving, driving at an unsafe speed and other traffic violations

OT - Khalif Barnes - Jacksonville Jaguars - DWI

OT - Adrian Jones - New York Jets - DWI.

Defense:

DE - Bobby McCray - Jacksonville Jaguars - Reckless driving, possession of a controlled substance.

DE - Frostee Rucker - Cincinnati Bengals - Vandalism, spousal battery

DT - Tank Johnson - Chicago Bears - Aggravated assault, resisting arrest; possession of a firearm without proper identification

DT - Matthias Askew - Chicago Bears - Disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, failure to comply with a police officer's order, obstructing justice.

LB - Odell Thurman - Cincinnati Bengals - Drunken driving

LB - Steve Foley - San Diego Chargers - Resisting arrest, drunken driving; DUI.

LB - Dhani Jones - Philadelphia Eagles - Failure to obey a lawful command

LB - Shaun Phillips - San Diego Chargers - Suspicion of obstructing or resisting an officer in the performance of his duty.

LB - AJ Nicholson - Cincinnati Bengals - Burglary, grand theft, vandalism.

LB - Rob Reynolds - Tennessee Titans - Domestic violence, assault.

CB - Adam “Pacman” Jones - Tennessee Titans - Disorderly conduct, public intoxication; assault.

CB - Brian Williams - Jacksonville Jaguars - Drunken driving.

CB - Deltha O'Neal - Cincinnati Bengals - DWI.

CB - Ricky Manning Jr. - Chicago Bears - Assault

CB - Cletis Gordan - San Diego Chargers - Suspicion of DWI.

S - Terrence Kiel - San Diego Chargers - Transporting a controlled substance; possession for sale of a controlled substance (codeine-based cough syrup).

S - Marcus Coleman - Dallas Cowboys - DWI.

S - Cortland Finnegan - Tennessee Titans - DUI.

S - Markus Curry - San Diego Chargers - Domestic assault.

Special Teams:

PR - Adam “Pacman” Jones - Tennessee Titans.

KR - BJ Sams - Baltimore Ravens - DUI.

Coach - Marvin Lewis - Cincinnati Bengals - Lewis is the only honoree that wasn’t arrested in 2006 but his tireless effort to sign everyone that was deserves recognition.

Other Awards:

Most Valuable Idiot - Chris Henry - The Bengals receiver was nabbed three different times this year. Bravo Chris! I will not be betting against a repeat performance in 2007.

Most Valuable Defensive Idiot - Steve Foley - Foley only got picked up twice this year but he was nearly killed during the second arrest. That kind of dedication to one’s idiocy should never go unnoticed.

Lifetime Achievement Award - To all the law enforcement officers in and around the greater Cincinnati area. The courage and nerve, not to mention, the constant overtime it takes to keep up with the Bengals is greatly appreciated.

Lifetime Achievement Award Part Deux - The National Rifle Association for its unvarying lobbying of our nation’s politicians to keep handguns legal and, in turn, giving so many NFL players a hobby that seems to work so well for them.

So there you have it -- The Phanatic’s first annual All-Incarcerated team...

Now, I know what the “glass is half-full” people are thinking right now. How can you call it an annual team if there is no guarantee enough players will be getting mug shots next year?

Well consider this -- It’s only January 6 and Minnesota’s Travis Taylor and Indianapolis‘ DeDe Dorsey have already been pinched in the New Year.

As for Cincinnati? The Bengals are off to a slow start but you have to hand it to the club‘s braintrust. The Boys in the Queen City know they got out of the blocks slowly so they inked Jason Berryman from Iowa State.

The last time Berryman was making news, he was being kicked off the Cyclones after getting convicted in 2005 of misdemeanor assault and felony first-degree theft. According to police, Berryman stole all of four dollars from a fellow ISU student and punctuating things by punching him in the face before stealing a cell phone from a second student to prevent him from calling the cops.

Yep, I have a strong suspicion that the All-Incarceration team will be back in 2007.

-You can read John McMullen every Saturday on this page. He can be reached at jmcmullen1@comcast.net


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