Embrace the Misery!

By Jeff Glauser
The Phanatic Magazine

On the heels of another heartbreaking Phillies game, inching them ever-closer to the monumental 10,000 loss mark, I’ve noticed something peculiar happening: People around here have begun to speak of this with an air of enjoyment.

And I say right on.

You see, after witnessing so much pain, embracing it can be somewhat therapeutic. Who wants to continue to hold out hope when hope itself only comes to fruition every, say, 25 years?

And you know what happens when you finally decide to stop anticipating greatness? That’s right, folks: Greatness then happens.

Think of your average-looking, underachieving guy who was never able to get the girl. (For anecdote’s sake, we’ll call him… uh, Jeff.) This hypothetical “Jeff” would spend all week building up unnecessary hype for the weekend, tackling Fridays as if each one was destined to provide memories and experiences only suitable to be retold later at college reunions and to his 18 year-old grandson behind closed doors.

He also figured, on any one of these weekends, if the chips fell just right, if he played his cards just so, he’d finally find, court - and, ultimately, get – the girl of his dreams.

Needless to say, his weekend expectations would routinely fall short.

One day, Jeff decided he was tired of the letdown. The build-up just wasn’t worth it anymore. He became more accepting of his mediocre circumstances. He became more self-deprecating. Hell, he even made light of the depressing amount of rejections and “almost got ‘em” stories he had. Why not? They made for a good laugh, even if it was at his expense.

So what happened shortly thereafter, when Jeff least expected it? That’s right: He got the girl.

As Philly fans, I believe it’s time we do the same. Let’s embrace our misery! Take pride in our teams’ mediocrity! Laugh at the laughable amount of “almost” seasons. After 43 years, can we finally muster a giggle when it comes to the Phils’ profound 1964 collapse?

Sixers up 2-0 in the 1977 NBA Finals only to lose the next four? But of course!

There are certainly jokes we can now come up with about Lindros concussions and goalie merry-go-rounds when it comes to the Flyers.

And T.O.? Just another skanky tease who wound up getting divorced twice, living on food stamps and contracting a venereal disease. Serves the whore right.

(Or, um, maybe we were talking about that hypothetical “Jeff” again on that last one)

Anyhow, the point is that, as our lovable losers reach landmarks of futility, let us retain a certain amount of serenity. In fact, let’s make our pride visible to the rest of the world – beat them to the punchline at our expense. I say we start with bumper stickers, in the same vein as the ones which say, “My C-student kicked your honor student’s ass.”

I’d like to make my nominations at this time:

• “The 2007 Phillies – It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over (Have You Seen Our Relievers?)”

• “The 2007 Sixers – No Answer? No Problem - There’s Still Plenty of Questions!”

• “The 2007 Flyers – New Year. New Attitude. New Checkbook. Same Results.”

• “The 2007 Eagles – You Like Horeshoes? Hand Grenades? You’ll Love Us!”

And, finally…

• “The 2007 Soul – We’re Halfway There. We’re Living on a Prayer.”

It’s time to let the world know that no one loses more excruciatingly than our boys!

Then…when we least expect it…when we’ve finally come to terms with our fate…in the words of Emeril – BAM! You got yourself a parade on Broad Street.

But until then, let’s have fun with all this losing – if only to dull the pain and save on therapist bills.