by Bob Herpen
The Phanatic Magazine
OK, so Dallas Stars forward and renowned pest Sean Avery went on what amounts to Canadian national television prior to Tuesday's game between the Stars and Flames in Calgary.
He makes a snide remark about Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf's girlfriend, the lovely Elisha Cuthbert, and the fact that fellow players have had a recent habit of picking up whoever he's dumped.
He uses the term "sloppy seconds" when you know it couldn't have been worse without crossing the line into having his words bleeped. Consult your urban dictionary for the full explanation.
Almost immediately, condemnation cascaded down quicker Niagara Falls all over the airwaves throughout North America. Avery was given an immediate indefinite suspension pending a hearing with Gary Bettman and was denounced publicly by Stars owner Tom Hicks and by co-general managers Les Jackson and Brett Hull.
That's what I know so far.
I've also been able to figure out a few more things because of the way the situation has played out over the last few days:
It exposed the NHL as excitement-killing frauds.
It exposed the Dallas Stars' ownership and management, along with the commissioners' office as a bunch of cocktail-swilling petty bourgeoisie hypocrites more intent on protecting their investment and good name than backing the ones who make them money.
It exposed the Stars players as nothing more than good company men, in lockstep with the company line to save their own asses.
It exposed all of English Canada as the bunch of prudes they've been rumored to be.
It also exposed both the American and Canadian sports media machine as a bunch of frauds.
First, the league itself. Through the efforts of Bettman, the distant owners and the influence of the competition committee, fighting in its truest spirit - that of settling scores between two players with beef and allowing teams to vent their collective frustration against each other - has been eradicated.
Even if Avery hadn't been removed from the lineup for his own "protection," it is unlikely Phaneuf would have gotten one chance on the ice to settle the score. That is, if he even payed the comment enough mind to warrant a showdown.
Time was, two players could paw at each other at least three times in one game before any instigator, misconduct or suspensions were discussed. But the days of Tie Domi, Bob Probert, Rob Ray and even Eric Lindros laying down the law and keeping things settled between players are long gone.
Without the impending threat (or inevitability if you like fighting) of two tough guys throwing hands, that Dallas-Calgary game was quickly boiled down to what Year Four of The New NHL has become: a boring chess match between coaches, where the only goals are derided as defensive mistakes instead of creative offense.
It ended 3-1 for the Stars. Yawn.
Next, I can't believe how quickly Stars owner Tom Hicks and Bettman swooped in to make the first sword cut and pour the vinegar in. A statement from the commish's office I could see, but for the club owner to throw one of his big free agent signings under the bus before consulting with Avery or team staff first? Ridiculous.
If I were Avery, I'd ask for a trade ASAP because it's obvious the man who pays your salary doesn't think your worth much. Which is odd, because in spite of all your bad press and circus act, Hicks brought you to Dallas from New York because the Stars were in dire need of an enforcer with scoring touch.
Funny how the worm has turned on that one.
Plus, how credible is it that Bettman suspended Avery indefinitely for what amounted to a 30 second sound bite, while ignoring exactly all of the far-more-harmful vicious hits to the head this season?
Again, time was that the rivalries between players, coaches and organizations permitted that kind of sparring and didn't make a spectacle.
Avery was wrong to air the dirty laundry usually reserved for the faceoff circle in a public forum, but it is hardly a shame or a scandal to anyone involved, least of all the venerable institution of hockey - which is still a fifth-tier sport in America even if it's first in the hearts of Canadians.
I'm even more incredulous that Hull - one of the biggest critics of the decline in the game when he played and the one who reportedly pressed for Avery's acquisition - all of a sudden decided to use his ample voice to turn against his former Red Wing roommate and side with the owner.
What should have happened was that Hicks, the club's two general managers, PR staff and Avery meet as soon as the comments were made to hash out a solution. The club should have issued a statement condemning the action but reminding folks that Avery, for better or worse, is one who stirs the pot in the name of competition and intrigue.
It shouldn't matter if the higher-ups in the organization have a distaste for Avery in spite of the signing - you at least have to protect your own in the opening salvo of a media firestorm. The Stars failed to do that in spades.
Avery's being shunned like Dan Quinn was back in November, 1992, when the veteran forward was allegedly involved in a rape while with the North Stars. Quinn found no support from the franchise, was immediately released, and his career never regained momentum though he played five more seasons.
I'm wondering at what point hockey players in general progressed from highly-paid automatons to black sheep children whose high-society parents have to publicly shun in order to save face at the country club.
Maybe we've reached that point now. If so, what garbage.
Regardless, what hypocrites the Stars are to invite the circus into the house but kick it out after the elephants soil the carpet.
Those close to the club when the Avery signing was complete in July knew that the players themselves were against it. They knew what they were getting from being the opposition for so many years.
Then, goaltender Marty Turco publicly lamented about Avery after he exchanged words with fans on November 1 in Boston after a testy, old-fashioned brawling game. Now this. It's appalling that there's not one man in the room who has jumped to Avery's defense.
That's shameful in and of itself, that his own teammates have spoken volumes with their silence on the matter. They should have done their part to let management know they could take care of the matter internally.
I presume that his teammates were not under any kind of threat if they felt otherwise. There was no danger of benching, demotion, or trade for even one player to come to Avery's aid, and when Avery tried to offer an apology on Wednesday before a public statement, his teammates rejected it.
What's come to light reminds me of a quote from a Billy Joel song: "Say a word out of line, you find out your friends you had are gone forever."
My job requires me to watch a ton of television and a ton of games each shift. This time of year when I work nights, I preview my NHL slate of the evening by watching TSN of Canada, the nation's answer to ESPN's SportsCenter.
The outrage from Avery's comments poured in from each of the four panelists on the NHL segment: host Brian Engblom, hockey insider Bob McKenzie, former NHL pest Keith Jones and former Tampa Bay head coach John Tortorella.
To a man, each expressed their displeasure with the incident. What's not shocking is that the first three men who objected are Canadian-born. What is surprising, is that notorious Boston-bred lout Tortorella, never one to hide his opinions, fell in lockstep with his colleagues.
Honestly, I don't get it. I thought Universal Rule Number One of sports media is to create conversation, drama and controversy with which to suck in the viewer.
All four panelists consciously did neither, unless you believe that all four were covering their rear ends since the TSN studios are located in Toronto, the de facto Canadian home of NHL operations.
It's not too hard to see how Bettman could have whispered down the lane that nobody, not even the media anywhere in the hockey sphere, were to challenge the official league stance.
All of them, Tortorella in particular, missed the chance to even create some inter-panel heated dialogue and failed.
I'm replaying what it would have been like in my head as I write this, and it's fantastic. A bonanza of buzz. It ends with Tortorella staring over at McKenzie, screaming "Shut Yer Yap!!"
Plus, what little coverage there was on the ESPN behemoth (Matthew Barnaby, I'm looking at you) was a hollow echo of the party line from the Great White North. And you know if ESPN can't make a big deal out of something, there are internal mechanisms at work to squash the effort.
Still, for all the furor, all that came out was something mildly derogatory about the dating habits of a rival player. It was a classic quote, an all-timer. A true non-sequitur except with (gulp) a PG-13 edge!
I can't take all this contrived and strangely robotic finger-pointing, hell-fire and damnation. It's too suspicious and fraudulent and looks too much like hockey's version of The Stepford Wives.
Sorry, naysayers in the U.S. and abroad, Avery's paragraph of glory was neither profane nor vulgar. It did not bring disrepute to the Dallas Stars, the Calgary Flames, Avery, Phaneuf, Cuthbert, or the National Hockey League.
I will stake whatever I'm worth in this life and say that the majority of hockey fans or sports fans in North America alike laughed heartily at the implication. I'm sure, like me, they found the intent appropriate but the venue not so much.
This proves the NHL is becoming the closest thing to Puritanism since John Calvin. First, they took away much of the blood and guts and honor and entertainment from fighting. Now, they're taking away a player's right to gamesmanship through the media by bringing ye olde hammer down on naughty, evil, suggestive innuendo.
Avery finally met with Goodman Gary on Friday, during which the erstwhile moral arbiter of the league imposed a six-game ban without pay. Included in that penalty is a stipulation that he receive anger-management training and other counseling.
What's next? A league-mandated appointment on Dr. Phil's couch some time after
that's all finished?
For the hairshirt he now wears, Avery's public apology released Wednesday afternoon should have been enough. After that? Maybe a team-imposed stint watching games from the press box. That's all.
It's a fact that Avery is known to be a total jackass. It still doesn't make what has transpired over the last few days right, or proper, or poetic justice.
It's not Sean Avery who is a fraud of a player with lack of "respect for the game." It's everyone else involved, with his individual overblown sense of outrage and false propriety who are the frauds this time.
What garbage.
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