By Michael Rushton
So it appears that spending in baseball is getting out of hand again. Much like Paris Hilton, the Portland Trail Blazers or Taco Bell patrons, these morons just never learn.
You've seen and read all the stories. $50 million by the Red Sox just to talk to pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. Nearly $100 million combined for Ted Lilly and Gil Meche? You've got to be kidding me. We thought Pat Burrell's deal was bad.
So if the owners and general managers are going to start getting rid of money faster than Brittany Spears' underware, I say let us have some fun with it. It's time to revamp the free agency system.
I'm looking your way Howie Mandel. How about we put every free agent through a game of "Deal or No Deal?" It's so simple, it just may be brilliant. Never mind that this idea came to fruition after a combination of a few beers and me looking over my Tivo recording list, which by the way, failed to record a single rerun of "Friends."
Just imagine the joy in watching Scott Boras sweat from the audience (sorry Scott, only family on the playing stage) as Barry Zito goes through case after case, seeing six years, $100 million come off the board, then $60 million over four years.
Better yet, let's just put Boras in a soundproof glass box.
We could stick to this format. A player is a given a team at random each game. The higher profile players are aired on primetime, while the likes of Gabe Kapler and Michael Tucker can be seen on the Game Show network around noon.
The selected team's general manager would take the place of the "banker" and the stage would hold 30 cases. Five cases hold one-year deals worth so much and so forth through six-year deals. The money for each game differs by the tier of the player, making it impossible for Joe Randa to fetch a $70 million deal.
Then, after the player selects his case, the game proceeds as usual until the first offer. The general manager, using a complex formula created by none other than Billy Beane and NASA, offers a fair deal to the player that he can accept or decline.
Just think how good Ed Wade would be at this game. I get goosebumps listening to Mandel in my head.
"The offer from Mr. Wade, Barry -- and he says it's a fair one -- is three years, $18 million. Deal, or no deal"
Boras would pass out.
We can replace the models with...what am I saying, the models stay.
Then here is the clincher that makes it all work; if the player doesn't take a deal and gets down to two cases, he can choose one of them, or walk away with nothing and not be able to negotatie with that team for the rest of the free agency period.
Imagine the chaos when Zito signs with the Royals for two years, $20 million. Broad Street would host a parade after capturing Eric Gagne at one year, $4 million all because Gagne just had to know if he picked the right case darn it.
Or, just picture the riots when the Phillies are stuck with Ricky Ledee at six years, $48 million.
You know you love it as much as I do. It creates drama, excitement, parity, and it would allow NBC to air "Deal or No Deal" for five hours a night. It would definitly knock "Grey's Anatomy" off its high horse.
So it appears that spending in baseball is getting out of hand again. Much like Paris Hilton, the Portland Trail Blazers or Taco Bell patrons, these morons just never learn.
You've seen and read all the stories. $50 million by the Red Sox just to talk to pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. Nearly $100 million combined for Ted Lilly and Gil Meche? You've got to be kidding me. We thought Pat Burrell's deal was bad.
So if the owners and general managers are going to start getting rid of money faster than Brittany Spears' underware, I say let us have some fun with it. It's time to revamp the free agency system.
I'm looking your way Howie Mandel. How about we put every free agent through a game of "Deal or No Deal?" It's so simple, it just may be brilliant. Never mind that this idea came to fruition after a combination of a few beers and me looking over my Tivo recording list, which by the way, failed to record a single rerun of "Friends."
Just imagine the joy in watching Scott Boras sweat from the audience (sorry Scott, only family on the playing stage) as Barry Zito goes through case after case, seeing six years, $100 million come off the board, then $60 million over four years.
Better yet, let's just put Boras in a soundproof glass box.
We could stick to this format. A player is a given a team at random each game. The higher profile players are aired on primetime, while the likes of Gabe Kapler and Michael Tucker can be seen on the Game Show network around noon.
The selected team's general manager would take the place of the "banker" and the stage would hold 30 cases. Five cases hold one-year deals worth so much and so forth through six-year deals. The money for each game differs by the tier of the player, making it impossible for Joe Randa to fetch a $70 million deal.
Then, after the player selects his case, the game proceeds as usual until the first offer. The general manager, using a complex formula created by none other than Billy Beane and NASA, offers a fair deal to the player that he can accept or decline.
Just think how good Ed Wade would be at this game. I get goosebumps listening to Mandel in my head.
"The offer from Mr. Wade, Barry -- and he says it's a fair one -- is three years, $18 million. Deal, or no deal"
Boras would pass out.
We can replace the models with...what am I saying, the models stay.
Then here is the clincher that makes it all work; if the player doesn't take a deal and gets down to two cases, he can choose one of them, or walk away with nothing and not be able to negotatie with that team for the rest of the free agency period.
Imagine the chaos when Zito signs with the Royals for two years, $20 million. Broad Street would host a parade after capturing Eric Gagne at one year, $4 million all because Gagne just had to know if he picked the right case darn it.
Or, just picture the riots when the Phillies are stuck with Ricky Ledee at six years, $48 million.
You know you love it as much as I do. It creates drama, excitement, parity, and it would allow NBC to air "Deal or No Deal" for five hours a night. It would definitly knock "Grey's Anatomy" off its high horse.
1 comment:
Oh my god. This writer has come to an all time low. Please, please do not allow this guy to write anymore. I enjoy the other columns but this guy has no clue.
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