Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Merry Christmas

By John McMullen

It’s that time of year and they say it's better to give than receive. With that in mind, here's what I would like to leave under the tree for some area sports personalities:

Andy Reid - George Karl’s throat lozenges and some polonium-210 for all you haters that think NFL football is a tad less important than some other current events.

Marty Mornhinweg - A new head coaching job, the wind and the ability to say ‘I'll take the ball’ when he wins an overtime coin toss.

Donovan McNabb - Acceptance from the nitwits that dot the WIP landscape.

Jeff Garcia - Screw him -- He’s already got Carmella.

Michael Lewis - A time machine so he could go back to 2003 when he could actually play.

Joe Banner - An eight-year contract extension with Matt McCoy so we could all rest easy.

Jeffrey Lurie - V.I. Warshawski - the sequel!

Allen Iverson - Stewie Griffin’s respect for authority at Woodstock.

Maurice Cheeks - A backbone.

Chris Webber - 1999 and a vertical leap.

Samuel Dalembert - A basketball IQ.

Billy King - The continued employment of Matt Millen and Isiah Thomas so he doesn't look quite as bad.

Ed Snider - A spot on the NY Times bestseller list for his upcoming book --Destroying Sports Franchises for Dummies .

Dave Montgomery and Co. - To be on the business end of Randolph and Mortimer Duke’s next dollar bet.

Pat Gillick - The Murder She Wrote box set on DVD.

Charlie Manuel - A spot as Uncle Jessie on the Dukes of Hazzard and 15 wins apiece from Brett Myers, Cole Hamels and Freddy Garcia.

Ryan Howard - A year’s supply of trojans -- Get it? -- PROTECTION!

Pat Burrell - A better night life and he is probably gonna need those condoms too.

Bob Clarke - Ed Snider’s continued dementia.

NFL Zebras - A clue.

Terrell Owens - Success -- a man of his STATUE deserves it, whether it’s a new rap song, a second children’s book or another suicide attempt.


Anonymous said...

Added to the list:

The Phagnatic - To stop acting like you are a breaking news medium. You break nothing but wind!

Anonymous said...

...and my heart with no picture of Lienert

Anonymous said...

Establishment, Eatablishment...

Anonymous said...

critics who read at 3 in the morning...interesting

john said...

People can read the internet on the west coast.

nate Trexler said...

i find it incredible that someone takes the time out to read a blog they obviously have a problem with and then comment on it. oh, and what a creative nickname you came up with. i bet coming up with it took away from the hours you spend a day jerking off to internet porn, since you obviously have so much free time. next time, post the address to your blog if you have something to say about philadelphia sports.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

i'm too busy banging chicks at 3 o' clock in the morning to criticize this fine piece of writing.