Feeling cheated? Visit MLB’s new Hall

By Jeff Glauser

The Phanatic Magazine

The NBA has always been an organization bent on creating a positive brand image. It markets its stars more than any other sport, and brings mainstream recognition to them which is second to none. And though its referees could desperately use the same sort of image makeover, the league itself does what it sets out to do: create awareness.

One example is its cycling of marketing slogans, the most recent being: “The NBA: Where Amazing Happens.”

Which leads me to wonder what the MLB would use to similarly connect with its current fanbase. Here’s one I came up with:

“Major League Baseball: If You Ain’t Cheatin’, You Ain’t Tryin’”

With the latest A-Rod and Manny revelations, it’s added another notch in the bedpost of shame for Bud Selig in his tenure for heading up the most corrupt era in baseball’s century-and-a-half history. Future historians, of course, will dictate the legacy of the great players of this generation, however the amount of those who are/were legitimate seem to be growing scarcer by the day.

But to completely discount the past 20 years of accomplishments and landmarks set would also be an incredibly difficult proposition. Plus, future generations of fans may be eternally confused to see legendary athletes such as Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens dominating the record books but remaining in obscurity at Cooperstown.

So my suggestion is this: Give them their own Hall of Fame – A Hall of Shame, if you will. Let’s be frank: It’s now quite apparent that scores – if not hundreds – of athletes have been using performance-enhancing drugs in the sport for at least a couple decades now. However, based on production numbers and their level of career success, some have obviously cheated better than others.

Be that as it is, it’s time to give those tainted tricksters their own just due. So, by position, here is my all-time (Alleged) Cheater Dream Tream:

DH Platoon (Lefty): Rafael Palmeiro (Funny how he vehemently denied the steroid use, but freely admitted to using Viagra. And perhaps he needed one because of the other?)

DH Platoon (Righty): Jose Canseco (The captain of this squad, as he’s apparently seen the bare backsides of more ripped men than a gay porn star. But more embarrassing than that has to be getting beaten up by Danny Partridge)

1B: Mark McGwire (But when you congratulate him, just remember that he’s not here to talk about the past)

2B/Manager: Pete Rose (Okay, he wasn’t privy to the ‘roids scandal. But a cheater none-the-less. And he’d probably make a fortune betting on this squad)

3B: Alex Rodriguez (But doesn’t it always seem like he stopped his doses just before October?)

SS: Miguel Tejada (The former power-hitting MVP quickly became just another slap-hitting shortstop in no time flat)

LF: Barry Bonds (The Babe Ruth of the Cheating Hall. We still give credit to his achievements as I’m sure that his career will be unmatched by even someone who pumped in enough testosterone to kill an elephant)

RF: Sammy Sosa (Followed by the obligatory chest tap and kiss to the skies upon being inducted)

CF: Brady Anderson (He went from 16 HRs and 64 RBIs for the Orioles in 1995 to 50 HRs and 110 RBIs the following year back to 18 HRs and 73 RBIs in ’97. And in a 15 year career, never hit more than 24 HRs in a season and hit over 20 just twice outside of that landmark ’95 year)

C: Todd Hundley (At age 27, almost triples his HR output and more than doubles his RBI total from the previous season. After age 28, never gets within 17 HRs or 42 RBIs of those ’96 results)

On the “MVP” bench: Jason Giambi, Manny Ramirez , Mo Vaughn, et al

SP: Roger Clemens (If Bonds is the Babe Ruth of this squad, then Clemens is the Cy Young – which is fitting, considering how many of those awards he’s won). Good friend Andy Pettite would most likely get the next spot in the rotation.

Closer: John Rocker (Who has the amazing accomplishment of also getting into the Scumbag Hall of Fame, too)