The Unanswerable Question

By Jeff Glauser
The Phanatic Magazine

Maybe I’m just too logical of a man. Maybe I have too much time on my hands to overanalyze trivial things. Maybe I just couldn’t think of anything else to write about.

Whatever the case, the past week in sports made me do my best curious three year-old impersonation and constantly ask the question which is often unanswerable: Why?

Such as:

- Why, in boxing, is money guaranteed to the fighters before the fight, often providing the eventual loser with more dough than the winner? If not for pride, “Pretty Boys” and “Golden Boys” can remain pretty and golden simply by tanking it shortly after taking the ring. There’s nothing to stop them and, frankly, we’ve seen it many times before (See: Past Tyson Opponents).

- And on that topic, why can’t judges scores simply be shown after each round? Sure, it may take away the suspense, but it may also legitimize what has become a joke of a sport over the past decade-plus, filled with corruption, scandal and too many people taking Don King seriously.

- Why do we still give the Phillies the benefit of the doubt? In the span of the week, relievers Tom Gordon and Ryan Madson – whom have cost the team at least five wins already between the two of them – were placed on the disabled list. It has now been revealed that both injuries have lingered since Spring Training. How can the words “routine checkup” be uttered by the Phils’ Phront Office without ensuing hysterical laughter?

- Why don’t more baseball players get reamed out for half-assing it to first base on routine pop ups, grounders and fly balls? Regardless of how much you assume that you’re going to get out, is it too much to that you bust it for ten seconds in the off-chance that your prediction doesn’t come to fruition?

(In a sport which is already notorious for its laziness, it would be nice to see more Shane Victorinos out there who try to prove each day that everything matters and nothing should be taken for granted)

- Speaking of, days after it was revealed that alcohol was a factor in Josh Hancock’s tragic fatal car crash, why would anyone take the Cardinals organization seriously when it announced that it is revoking booze in the clubhouse and road games? Why, when manager Tony LaRussa was pulled over for driving drunk earlier this year and has received nothing but a slap on the wrist from the team thus far?

- Why isn’t there more fuss made about how half of 610 WIP’s radio crew must be on the Eagles’ payroll? Why don’t more people realize that 950’s Jody Mac is a far better option than Howard “Stuck in Big Red’s Jock” Eskin? In addition to being significantly more objective and possessing considerably more knowledge of the sports world – both inside and outside city limits – the guy is actually respectful and gracious to the listeners who essentially ensure him a paycheck each week.

Take away the engaging man’s man Glenn Macnow and charming sports encyclopedia Rhea Hughes and there is simply no reason to listen the mindless nonsense spouted from a station which should be known as the “Little Italy” sports talk (Cataldi, Morganti, Gargano, Martorano, Trevalise, Startare, Altomonte – jeez, do they have their own secret hand shake, too?).

- Why could I not care less about the NBA playoffs right now? When did the league become an endless cycle of glorified street ball, with more emphasis placed on a one-on-one isolation game, individual statistics and hotdogging on-court antics than on basic fundamentals?

- Why do people get so excited about an event that’s hyped up for a week and then lasts less than two minutes?

(Upon further review, the Triple Crown sounds a bit like my past dating life)


Why would Jeff Glauser write this column? Ask him by sending an email to jglauser@phanaticmag.com. You can read his own mindless nonsense here each Sunday.