Bizarro April Recap

By Jeff Glauser
The Phanatic Magazine

Let’s take a quick look back on the month that wasn’t (but could have been):

- After years of struggling to get out of the gate, the Phillies finally heed the call, starting the season by winning 10 of their first 13 to reach May with a respectable 15-10 record. Brett Myers solidifies himself as a true ace, as he hovers among the league leaders in wins, strikeouts and ERA. Ryan Howard puts his spring training slump and contract sulking behind him and paces the senior circuit with nine homers. Meanwhile, the bullpen is surprisingly steady, led by the resurgent Ryan Madson and Jon Lieber, who is quoted as saying, “Relief pitching isn’t so bad after all. Maybe I’ll give dieting a shot, too.” Fans and media proclaim Charlie Manuel a genius. In fact, the only blemish to the month is when venerable 44 year-old lefty Jamie Moyer gets pulled over for speeding.

- The Sixers finish the season with a whimper, losing seven of their final nine games, thus securing the sixth spot in the NBA draft lottery. Fans and media accuse players such as Sam Dalembert of tanking it and playing at half speed, to which he replies, “That’s preposterous. I always play like that.” Allen Iverson and Chris Webber are once again a no-show at Fan Appreciation Day. Meanwhile, Billy King goes on record to say that the team plans to be a “player” in the free agent market this summer, luxury cap be damned.

- Ed Snider holds a press conference to remind the fans and media that there is still a hockey team in Philadelphia. Fans and media agree to disagree.

- The Eagles partake in a mundane and predictable draft weekend, standing pat at the No. 26 spot and selecting Arkansas cornerback Chris Houston. Need positions such as outside linebacker, safety and fullback are also filled. Donovan McNabb holds a press conference to proclaim that his knee rehab is coming along extremely well and he is looking forward to remaining the franchise quarterback in Philly for years to come. Mr. and Mrs. McNabb cannot be reached for comment. Fans and media complain that they have nothing to complain about.

Fans and media can send their bizarro emails to Jeff Glauser at jglauser@phanaticmag.com