Merry Christmas

By John McMullen

It’s that time of year and they say it's better to give than receive. With that in mind, here's what I would like to leave under the tree for some area sports personalities:

Andy Reid - George Karl’s throat lozenges and some polonium-210 for all you haters that think NFL football is a tad less important than some other current events.

Marty Mornhinweg - A new head coaching job, the wind and the ability to say ‘I'll take the ball’ when he wins an overtime coin toss.

Donovan McNabb - Acceptance from the nitwits that dot the WIP landscape.

Jeff Garcia - Screw him -- He’s already got Carmella.

Michael Lewis - A time machine so he could go back to 2003 when he could actually play.

Joe Banner - An eight-year contract extension with Matt McCoy so we could all rest easy.

Jeffrey Lurie - V.I. Warshawski - the sequel!

Allen Iverson - Stewie Griffin’s respect for authority at Woodstock.

Maurice Cheeks - A backbone.

Chris Webber - 1999 and a vertical leap.

Samuel Dalembert - A basketball IQ.

Billy King - The continued employment of Matt Millen and Isiah Thomas so he doesn't look quite as bad.

Ed Snider - A spot on the NY Times bestseller list for his upcoming book --Destroying Sports Franchises for Dummies .

Dave Montgomery and Co. - To be on the business end of Randolph and Mortimer Duke’s next dollar bet.

Pat Gillick - The Murder She Wrote box set on DVD.

Charlie Manuel - A spot as Uncle Jessie on the Dukes of Hazzard and 15 wins apiece from Brett Myers, Cole Hamels and Freddy Garcia.

Ryan Howard - A year’s supply of trojans -- Get it? -- PROTECTION!

Pat Burrell - A better night life and he is probably gonna need those condoms too.

Bob Clarke - Ed Snider’s continued dementia.

NFL Zebras - A clue.

Terrell Owens - Success -- a man of his STATUE deserves it, whether it’s a new rap song, a second children’s book or another suicide attempt.