As I see it… from my living room couch.

By Jeff Glauser

The Phanatic Magazine

As I sit, anxiously awaiting the long-awaited moment, two things cross my mind: 1) I sincerely hope that this draft signifies the rebirth of basketball becoming relevant in this area again; and 2) How much I doubt that will, in fact, happen.

As I mentioned in a January column, Billy King, since becoming the ultimate personnel decision-maker of the Sixers, is the Anti-Midas – everything he touches turns to crap.

But then I do a quick inventory, realize how many other GM’s in the NBA currently fit that profile and a semblance of hope returns, albeit briefly.

You have the All “I Was a Kickass Player So I Deserve a Few Mulligans” Group in the Celtics’ Danny Ainge, the Knicks’ Isaiah Thomas and the Wolves’ Kevin McHale. Then there’s the Grizzlies’ Chris Wallace, fresh off running the Celts into the ground and now shooting for double doodie. You have the Hawks, whose ownership group does a fantastic Keystone Cops impersonation.

And, of course, there’s always the Clippers, who… well, they’re the Clippers and obviously cursed in such a way only we Philadelphians can understand.

With the blind dealing with the blind, deaf and dumb, the law of averages dictates that something good is bound to fall our way, right?

Right?

Well, time to turn on ESPN and find out. But not before I make myself a stiff drink. This might be a long evening…

7:01 – And so it begins. We can do without 80’s-esque cheesy theme song. Something about the future arriving today. Felt like it could have used a keyboard solo. Though Mike Tirico does his best Bob Costas and waxes poetic to open things up.

7:04 – Yo, Stephen A.! What are you yelling about? Why the raised voice? Have a drink, relax. I am.

7:05 – Garnett’s not going anywhere tonight. Fans throughout Phoenix collectively curse at their television sets.

7:06 – Meanwhile, Danny Ainge won’t quit until someone trades with him. Anyone. For anything. He’s like a middle child vying for attention. Probably stemming from the days when Bird and McHale got all the chicks.

7:09 – Stephen A. Smith is getting progressively louder. I put the TV on mute and still hear him. He’s reaching Sam Kinison-esque levels. Plus, I believe I saw some spittle fly onto Mark Jackson as he was disagreeing with him on the potential Ray Allen-to-the-Celtics deal. It’s a matter of time until he turns to Jackson, and exclaims: “You’re wrong, pal! Boston needs to make this deal! SAY IT!! SAY IT!!!”

7:12 – Our first Dick Vitale spotting, the Paula Abdul of the draft. Mr. Positive. And apparently trying to out-yell Stephen A.

7:16 – Just realized there’s another 16 minutes of gratuitous buildup until Oden gets selected. I’m getting another drink.

7:19 – Supposed “close friends” Oden and Conley take the early lead for most awkward moment of the night, dancing around questions as to how good it feels to go through the draft together. Plus, we learn that Oden is a fan of cartoons and Conley was “not down with that.”

7:20 – Joakim Noah a runaway winner for the Tommie Harris Award, given to the draftee with the most hideous suit. He must have left the squeaking clown nose at home.

7:25 – I don’t like Jim Gray. He’s such a weasel. Only he could make someone feel sorry for Pete Rose. However, we do learn that now the Warriors have jumped into the Kevin Garnett Sweepstakes. Which leaves every team except the Albany Patroons in the running as of now.

7:31 – “Here they are. The first steps. The foundation… of the future.” Tirico waxing poetic: Every half hour on the hour!

7:33 – Blazers now have five minutes to make their selection. Why? Wouldn’t it make sense that, as soon as David Stern announces them on the clock, something sneaks behind him, taps him on the shoulder and gives him the pick? C’mon guys, who we kiddin’ here?

7:36 – Portland generously saves two of those minutes and makes their anti-climactic selection: Greg Oden, come on down and welcome to the purgatory which is the Northwest!

7:40 – Stuart Scott came this close to getting Oden to admit he’s actually 36 years old.

7:44 – Durant goes next and poo-poos the fact that he can’t lift 185 pounds, making me feel like I have at least a fighter’s chance of kicking the ass of a world class athlete.

7:48 – The Hawks choose Horford, as they attempt to become the first team in NBA history to develop a roster consisting entirely of forwards.

7:56 – After Conley predictably goes to Memphis, Ainge seems to get his wish, selecting Jeff Green but seemingly in agreement to go to the Sonics in exchange for Ray Allen. Boston fans do a collective “Huh?”

8:01 – Right on cue, Tirico compares the draft to a “spring flower in full bloom.”

8:03 – Milwaukee decides to piss off an entire nation by selecting China’s Yi Jianlian, even against his and the Chinese’s pleas. I guess they’re not fans of Happy Days, cheese and beer. Speaking of, I could go for a beer.

8:08 – BTW, it must be said: Props to the Bucks for not allowing the player to dictate the destination. Seems to happen far too often lately.

8:17 – Brewer goes next and gives the Cheshire Cat a run for his money with his six-foot wide smile. Then, after FAR too much riffing from the analysts AFTER the Bobcats’ five minutes expire, they finally select Brandon Wright, where he and Michael Jordan can sing the Tar Heel fight song together.

8:24 – Five minutes are done. No one at the podium. Why even bother timing this thing?

8:25 – Joakim Noah goes 9^th to the Bulls. Whatever’s living in his hair goes 10^th. His bowtie 11^th.

8:34 – Just found out that Spencer Hawes possesses an “I love George Bush” bumper sticker. Have fun in California, buddy.

8:37 – Uh-oh, the Bulls picking Noah got Stephen A. worked up again. His popping blood vessel is blocking the view of Jay Bilas.

8:38 – Acie Law – who must feel like a chaperone tonight - goes to the Hawks, as anticipated. And with that, the moment of truth begins… Will the Sixers do something other than pick Al Thornton? Will Billy King force me to continue my drinking? Will “the first steps, the foundation… of our future” start now?

Screw this. I need another drink.

8:45 – For the love of God, STOP TALKING AND MAKE THE PICK!!!

8:46 – Thaddeus Young.

Thaddeus F’ing Young.

The Sixers need rebounding more than anything and, on the profile shown for him, it says “Must Improve: Rebounding.”

Thank you, Billy King. You’ve done it again. I need another couple drinks…

8:52 – As my head begins to stop ringing from banging it against the wall, the Hornets select Julian Wright. Meanwhile, Al Thornton is becoming the Brady Quinn of this draft.

8:58 – A poll pops up: “Were You Surprised At The T. Young Pick? Yes: 76%, No 24%.” And then Al Thornton gets selected two picks too late by the Clippers, rubbing salt in the wound. Why was it so predictable that the Sixers would be unpredictable?

9:06 – Rodney Stuckey goes to the Pistons with the blah blah yadda yadda… What the hell was King thinking? I mean, c’mon! I hope he becomes fast friends with Kevin Kolb.

9:10 – Wizards select Nick Young. Speaking of Youngs… Thaddeus Young? Really??

9:14 – The Knicks give up a head case in Francis and acquire a more talented head case in Zach Randolph. Spike Lee applauds and gets ready for his next film: “Mo Betta Contract.”

9:16 – Keeping on topic, Sean Williams goes to the Nets. Alum Jayson Williams immediately calls and invites him to dinner.

9:22 – Warriors take Marco Belinelli. Getting harder to type. I could go for another drink. Perhaps some munchies, too.

Oh, the Sixers are now three picks away from driving me to alcoholism.

9:30 – Lakers take Javaris Crittenton. He might as well wear “Not Garnett” on the back of his jersey this season, as Kobe is not swayed.

9:32 – Whoever is still reading by this point, please email me at jglauser@phanaticmag.com and I will acknowledge you in my next column. You’vre earned it.

9:35 – Heat take Jason Smith and the Sixers are mercifully back on the board. And here is where I actually hope they are NOT predictable. Please don’t pick Josh McRoberts, please don’t pick Josh McRoberts, please don’t…

9:41 – Redemption, perhaps? Announced deal for Sixers picking Daequan Cook and then swapping him and cash with the Heat’s Smith. I confess, I like Smith. But where is this cash coming from? Perhaps one of the six players and coaches no longer associated on the team but still on the payroll?

9:43 – On that note, it’s time to break the seal…

9:48 – Vitale sings the praises of Bobcats pick Jared Dudley. He also gives props to the Bush Administration, the Iraq War, the ozone layer and child manual labor.

9:52 – Isaiah Thomas tries to one-up King and drafts Wilson Chandler far too high. Meanwhile, Ainge feels left out and wants to trade half his roster to the Knicks.

10:25 – Some guys got chosen. Nothing impressive. Then the San Antonio United Nations picked Tiago Splitter. Then nothing groundbreaking again. Sixers up soon. They need personality. Therefore, they should choose Glen “Big Baby” Davis. Plus his nickname seems to be indicative of the common fan around here.

I like rum. The world seems better now.

10:32 – After Vitale praised the Suns’ pick of Alando Tucker and mankind in general – and his head then spontaneously combusting - the Sixers are on the clock for the third time in this final pick of the first round… I’m not sure if I’m drunk enough for this…

10:38 – They select Petteri Kopenen. Or Preterayi Kompernaxarn. I don’t know. It all looks the same now. A back-up point guard, probably remaining overseas. Joy.

Oh, apparently, he’s Finnish.

And so am I. Finished, that is.