Paybacks are a bitch

By Steve Lienert
The Phanatic Magazine

I'm not writing this from any sort of journalistic, impartial, here's-what-happened perspective.

I'm writing this from the season-ticket holder, I-still-hate-your-existence point of view.

Terrell Owens was ordered by an arbitrator to payback part of his signing bonus to the Eagles yesterday.

Just like the cameras were rolling the day T.O. did sit-ups on his front lawn, I wish there would be a camera recording T.O. signing that check.
And since we all know the Eagles are practically printing their own money at this point, meaning they're not exactly hurting for the $769,120, here are some ideas on what the Birds should do with money, some of which was inspired from Cubs' fans and their Bartman Ball:

- Jeff Lurie and Donovan McNabb can begin a search for they moron that bought T.O.'s NFC championship ring off ebay and buy it back for him. It's the closest T.O. will come to getting a ring that he didn't have to purchase.

- The Eagles could cash it and then give each season-ticket holder from 2005 a rebate check. Sure, each of us would get $11.65 (that's right, I did the math - 769120/66000 = 11.653), but wouldn't that be the sweetest $11.65 you ever got?

- The Birds can get Kleenex to ship a lifetime supply of tissues to T.O.'s house, and they can do it so a box-a-day is delivered for infinity. This way, when Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson break up, T.O. can have his quarterback over for a Brokeback Mountain marathon.

- They should put it in a display case behind bulletproof glass in the space that is currently occupied by ticket sales booths at the Linc. Let's face it - it's not like the Eagles have anything else to put on display, like, say, a Lombardi Trophy. And there haven't been Eagles tickets bought from those windows since the Linc opened. There's already bulletproof glass there and just think of the future generations that could look at that check and have the hate passed down.

Some kid: "Daddy, who was Terrell Owens?" Dad: "He was an asshole that derailed what could have been an Eagles championship team. Then he went to Dallas." The kid:"And Dallas sucks, right Dad?" Dad (with a tear coming to his eye): "That's right, son. Dallas sucks."

The best part about this is that you know at least a tiny, tiny bit of that money was Jerry Jones' at some point. So, through the transitive property of mathematics, Jones is giving the Eagles money. You sold your soul to the devil, Jerry. Twelve years, no playoff wins and you're paying a guy that twice danced on your precious midfield star. You sold your soul.

It's always nice when the Eagles can stick it to T.O. a little bit, even this far removed from what transpired. He's a Cowboy, so the blood still boils and the ire rises. I still despise Terrell Owens.

Besides, you didn't think I was going to ask the Eagles to spend the money on a wide receiver, did ya?

Yeah, like that would happen.