Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Meet Pittsburgh Dad

You know that annoying fan, the one who's the quickest to demand a trade when things aren't going well and to demand a statue in the honor of the best player when things are going well?

The one who is always screaming "SHOOT" and "PASS" at the TV when either home or at the bar, and who does it louder as a paying customer. The one who is indoctrinated, like the citizens of Orwell's fictitious Airstrip One, to hate whichever city is the current rival of their favorite team. He's the everyman, trying to get through his days unscathed, just waiting for the catharsis any sporting event provides.

No, it's not your typical Philadelphia Flyers die hard. It's his diametrically-opposed counterpart, who shows his colors six hours to the West.

A well-known and well-connected series of blogs has just deemed the city at the confluence of the Ohio, Allegheny and Monongahela Rivers to possess the single-worst accent in America, and The Phanatic has decided in the interest of its readership, to alert the masses before tonight's first meeting between the Flyers and Penguins at CONSOL Energy Center.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Flyers Nation, meet Pittsburgh Dad:

Begun by Greater Pittsburgh natives Chris Preksta and Curt Wootton (who plays the title character in a series stretching by more than 100 episodes) as a strictly web series three years ago, Pittsburgh Dad is a caricature of the men who are now fathers of the next generation. In that time, PD has encountered all of life's tough road blocks, like a neighbor who roots for the "other" team, taking the kids on vacation to Florida, the peace that comes with the first day of school, and making sure the religious nuts think nobody's home.

The dead-on impressions of your typical sports-crazed male parent has turned Wootton into something greater than just a cult hero in the 'Burgh, but since they're there and we're here, with very little intersecting interests, the best and brightest of Philadelphia hockey fandom has yet to see -- and to mock -- a tried and true Yinzer.

Here's your chance. The following video, from three seasons back, demonstrates the typical thought process of a Penguins fan while his team is playing the Flyers. Take special note of the joke at now-deposed head coach Dan Bylsma's expense early on, and the one at Jaromir Jagr's expense roughly two-thirds of the way through:

Take a second to rearrange your gray matter after sitting through 4 1/2 minutes of pure unadulterated Pittsburghese. I'll watch the time.

I wonder what PD would have to say when confronted with the following facts: since the closing of Mellon Arena in 2010, with a Game 7 second-round loss to the Montreal Canadiens, the Penguins have won zero Stanley Cups, two division titles and exactly three playoff rounds.

The Orange and Black have racked up an 11-2-1 record, including playoffs, in the new building and have gone unbeaten in regulation in 12 of the 14 meetings with the Pens as hosts. The Flyers are looking to extend their win streak in the city to four games, after sweeping all three contests a season ago.

At least he's easier on the eyes and ears than Mark Madden.

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